Diary of a Failing Sketch Group

I’ll just say what everybody is thinking: nobody likes Mark Zuckerberg.



First of all, the guy looks like he’s had a six-month long love affair with a bag of Cheetos. What is up with all of the world’s richest people having the physique of a high school janitor? I know you can afford all of the food in the world, but that doesn’t mean you have to eat it. Even Steve Jobs only lost weight because he had a liver transplant. And he’s supposed to be the hip one. How about instead of buying a jet that runs on infant blood you hire a personal trainer three times a week? You lazy sacks.

Second of all, Mark Zuckerberg invented Facebook. And let’s get one thing straight: everybody hates Facebook. I know you think you like it, but you’re wrong. Facebook is just another time wasting drug offered by the dealer that is the Internet. Like any drug, it’s fine if it’s used within reason. Then again, if crack were used within reason I wouldn’t need to be afraid of being mugged at three in the morning by people who sold their fingernails for a fix. A dealer is a dealer. Facebook doesn’t hurt anyone, but it doesn’t help anyone either. Unless you’re using it to reconnect with people you knew in high school so you can jack off to their profile pictures. Then it works great.

Read More

As you might have guessed, Ironic T-Shirt doesn’t exactly pay the bills.  I mean with a blog entitled “Diary of a Desperately Failing Sketch Group,” you are probably pretty stupid if you thought this is what we did for a living.  That’s right, I’m calling you stupid. 

Unless of course you assumed we all have day jobs…

Which we do!!  We have jobs which we spent 8 to 10 hours a day doing except for William who works off and on as a pirate.  And guess what?  Our jobs stink.  Not in the “Hey I’m complaining so much, I’ll get fired” kind of way, but in the “This isn’t what I want to do this with rest of my life” kind of way. 

I personally work alone most of the day.  That means a few things 1) I spend most of my day not wearing pants 2) I have developed a habit of talking to myself 3) I get really excited to run errands where I interact with people.

Nick and Tony work at a production company that makes TV shows.  They use terms like editing bay and music cue sheet.  I think it’s changing them.  Yesterday Tony asked me where the crafty was.  There is no craft services, Tony.  This is your own house.

If any of our bosses are reading this, please do not be offended.  You treat us well, pay us, give us the occasional cake.  We would just rather be doing other things.  Other things like writing and producing our own TV show, being a writer on a critically acclaimed TV show, writing books or screenplays, actor, award winning comic book artist, and famous celebrity personality. 

Ok now let’s go through the likelihood of us getting any of those jobs:

Writing and Producing our own TV Show - 00.01% chance

Writer on a critically acclaimed TV Show - 00.01% chance

Writing books or screenplays - 00.01% chance 

Do I have to keep going?  I think you get the pattern. We have about as much chance of getting our dreams as antibacterial soap is ineffective.  Ironic T-Shirt is the new Super Germ. 

So if we do get our chance to do any of those jobs, watch out because it probably means we are all going to die from the common cold. Wow, this post took a weird, sad and depressing turn.

Oh, what?  Break’s over.  Got to go back to flipping burgers. 

So I saw Inception last weekend –

Wait, hold on. Let me clarify.

There are too many movie reviews in the world. Nowadays everybody wants to jump on the Internet or join their college newspaper to tell everybody about their stupid opinions about movies. What are you, Roger Ebert’s missing thyroid? As if we needed someone to tell us that The Last Airbender was going to be a bad movie.

So I’m not going to review Inception. I’ll tell you that it’s pretty cool and I’d recommend it, but that’s about the extent of my opinion on that subject. I’m going to review something else. Something that desperately needs reviewing: the people who watched Inception in my theater.

Read More

So, Back to the Future, right?

I know what you’re thinking: “Great, now this asshole is gonna shit all over an 80s classic.” Or more likely you’re thinking, “Why do I keep reading these things,” or still more likely, “Who is this twat?”

But no, Back to the Future is a blast. It’s got time travel, incest, Christopher Lloyd… You’d think more movies would try and rip it off for success. I mean, Who Framed Roger Rabbit has got Christopher Lloyd and bestiality, but it’s just not the same without a time traveling DeLorean.

Read More