Why hello there. Nice to meet you. Who am I? Oh, I’m the rapist. You know, the one with the moustache drinking from the can of peaches in Jalapenos. Doesn’t ring a bell? How about the eviscerated hobo? The cannibalistic roommate? The punk rock amputee?
That’s right – Nick von Keller is your full service gross character actor. If you’ve got a bit part that more requires a lack of shame than any real acting ability, I’m your man. Or at least that’s the niche I fill in our Ironic T-Shirt family.
And it might sound easy, but Daniel Day Lewis would give his left moustache for range like this. First up, dead bodies? Got it. Forget the aforementioned bloody hobo – how about every corpse in Dead Men Don’t Play Strings? Even the naked one lying down outside on the dirty concrete with cold water trickling around his balls. (Can’t tell that there’s dirty water on my balls? I don’t care - it’s called method acting, amateur.)
Second, fake ethnicities? In the bag. Anyone can play someone from France or Spain, but it takes a true artist to make an accent so shitty it bears no resemblance to any country on this earth. I’ve got Yassin, my vaguely Arab fortune teller from Employee of the Month, or maybe the vaguely Hispanic villain from Muerto, or what about a taste of my vaguely Eastern European doctor from Decarbonizer? And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
Third, someone needs to take one for the team? Look no further. Want me to fill my mouth with fake blood (a delicacy in…no cultures), like in The Closet? Want me to have fake blood sprayed over every square in of my face, like in Second Chances? Want me to sweat in a bear mask, like in Fupsy’s Magic Time? Nothing to it.
And I will leave you with this – when you need a butt, not a boy’s butt but a man’s butt, or maybe not a man’s butt but an ape’s butt – no butt beats this butt. Just look at my uncredited butt cameo in Space Doctor. A hairier ass you shain’t see in this lifetime. So next time you want to cast a pedophile, or a vagrant, or a monster, or just need to flash a pair of sad looking balls or some back hair, please, don’t take the bullet. Allow me.
