The year was 1965. Malcolm X was assassinated. The United States sent the first round of combat troops into Vietnam. And Brian Wilson wrote a song that was soon to be infamous. 
It Begins.
“California Girls” was more than an instant hit: it became a cultural phenomenon. Boys and girls across the nation were singing this seemingly innocent song about which U.S. region had the best poon. Twenty years later, my mother would sing it in the car while driving to the supermarket. And I would sit in the backseat, wishing she would stop listening to her “old people music” and put in the goddamn Raffi tape.
Of course, I grew up and eventually stopped having shitty taste in music (when I was twelve I owned two Barenaked Ladies CDs, but hey, we’re all guilty of something). Now I’m a little bit older and wiser, and I think the song is fine. But this would be a pretty boring article if I didn’t take some issue with it.
This all started a few weeks ago, when Katy Perry released the music video for her song “California Gurls.” Yes, people who are over forty, you read that right. GURLS. There are exactly two things that I like about this song: (1) Katy Perry is so hot that I’d bash in my left nut with a tuning fork if she’d let me slap my right one on her forehead for a little while, and (2) it’s catchy as hell. 
Let me be clear: I have no problems with this California girl.
The problem is it’s central theme. That is, “California gurls [sic] are the best women in the world.” The song claims that California girls are “unforgettable,” “undeniable,” “toned, tanned, fit and ready,” that they will “melt your Popsicle,” and that “once you party with us, you’ll be falling in love.”
Those things may be true, Ms. Perry. But they were also true for Hitler. Everything but the Popsicle thing, anyway. Basically what I’m getting at is this: California girls really aren’t all that great, for numerous reasons that I’ll get into in just a second. But! Before I take further issue with this hip-hoppin’ single, take a look at this. At the end of the song we hear Snoop Dogg say, “I really wish you all could be California girls.”
Ah-ha! An allusion to the Beach Boys! “California Gurls” by Katy Perry may be an irritating and inaccurate take on West coast women, but it all links back to “California Girls” by the Beach Boys. And while I would love to overanalyze and rip apart the latest pop music sensation, it would do no good. Much like the only true way to kill a spider is to eat the heart of the Spider Queen, I cannot quash the heart of Katy Perry unless I überquash the Beach Boys. Confused? Fuck you. Stop being so confused.
Man, what a hottie! Get it? Cause she’s sunburned! Man, I crack me up. Just like her skin! Ba-zing.
I’m sure that any California natives (and I’m related to four of them) are going to take issue with me taking a dump on this golden oldies classic. I can sympathize. If someone wrote an international hit about how great Wisconsin chicks were, I’d carve a “W” into my chest and start marching in the streets. But alas, that is not the case, so I’m here to offer an objective opinion.
As far as anybody cares, California can be divided into three major areas: Northern California, the Central Valley, and the Greater Los Angeles area. That means we’re looking at three different types of women. Let’s break it down!
Note to Self: Don’t Make a Gay Joke, Don’t Make a Gay Joe
(1) Northern California.
Ah, Northern California: home to the Bay Area, Silicon Valley, and a bunch of mountains or something. Now, this area isn’t doing the Golden State any favors when it comes to producing quality women. First of all, we’ve got the Bay Area. And what do we think of when we think of the Bay? No, not gay people. The other one. That’s right. Hippies. Hippies. Look, maybe you like a woman who is going to make you feel guilty for using plastic bags after your blow your load in her unshaved snatch, but I sure fucking don’t.
The other big demographic you’ve got is in Silicon Valley. Now if you can find a woman in the computer nerd capitol of the world (which you won’t), you’d be lucky if she weren’t covered in Cheetos and weighing in at two-hundred-and-fifty-pounds. And God help you if she uses a term like “big beautiful woman.”
So the two kinds of women we’re looking that live here are hippies and nerd girls. And not the cute girl nerd, which doesn’t exist (or if she does exist, won’t date you). I guess there might be some nature freaks up there, too, but if you’re thinking about getting your dick wet with a couple of kids from Greenpeace, buddy, I can’t help you.
Moving on to:
Witty, huh?
(2) The Central Valley
The biggest problem with anybody from the Central Valley is that they are from the Central Valley. Avoid at all costs.*
*If you find this explanation lacking, consider the following. There are only two interesting places to live in California: San Francisco and Los Angeles. You are dealing with the people who have chosen to live in the middle of a fucking valley that is roughly the size of Tennessee. Surrounded by nothing but flatlands and meat slaughtering plants. Your call, pal.
Look, it’s a place where people live.
(2) The Greater Los Angeles Area
Ah, the crown jewel of California’s sub par female selection: Los Angeles. The city of Hollywood, hobos, and bad pizza. I shouldn’t even have to explain what’s wrong with this place, but what the hell.
The biggest problem is that it’s the movie capitol of the world. That means you’re dealing with artists, many of whom have sold their souls for money or can’t even get any work. So you’re either dealing with sellouts or losers. Hooray! I guess the rest of the city is all right, but why anybody would choose to live in a place where it takes forty-five minutes to drive ten miles is beyond me. Oh and let’s not forget about U.S.C. and U.C.L.A. That’s the other thing that Los Angeles has a surplus of: college students. And let’s all be clear on this next point: nobody likes college students. 
This is why nobody writes a song about California men.
I guess that all the cities south of L.A. aren’t so bad (Orange County, Costa Mesa, San Diego, blah, blah), but it’s still just a bunch of people who spend all their time talking about nice it is to not live in Los Angeles. Yeah, because living in a glorified suburb eating organic sushi is so much better.
I guess that about wraps it up. I think I’ve proven that California women aren’t all that and a bucket of wings. Or at least I’ve complained about it for a while. It’s not like they’re any worse than any of the women (or people) in any other state in the Union. Wisconsin girls gotta lay off the cheddar. New Yorker ladies would benefit from talking less. I bet Hawaiin chicks give lousy head. It’s just the way things go!
Anyway, I can’t think of a graceful way to end this article, so here’s a picture Skeeter from Doug.
Later (wo)man.
